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I'm in love with a character in a book. How pathetic am I? Don't answer that.

thought.

So I'm reading this ghetto ass book my sister gave me and surprise surprise, I can't put it down. There's a character in the book who I'm infatuated with. Why? I don't even know. -_- The character is this skinny guy who lost his entire family when he was younger and became homeless; living on the streets and fighting for anything to survive. He has this bad reputation around the neighborhood as this just all out crazy person. Killing, beating, robbing, all that. But he's like OD smart. And he's respectful and kind to women, but in like a weird kid who's nervous talking to the opposite sex type of way. I love it. I want it. His character alone is the only reason why I'm reading this book. If I ever was to meet someone like him, I swear I'd never let him go.

random thinking..

Sometimes, I wish me and my father were closer... or had a real relationship period. He's missing out on so much andddddd- it doesn't bother me as much as it annoys me. You're younger kids are not the only ones who need you; you have three older kids who never hear from you unless you're cussing us out about not contacting you or trying to guilt us into kissing your ass.. You need to do better- I'm not saying I don't need to make some changes but seriously.. Step your game up..

the kappas party.

It was an amazing night. I always say I'm not dancing with anybody when I get to parties but towards the end, they start playing the slow music and I see homeboy staring, I can't help but give in..

I may have to withdraw from school. I never thought I would have to say that but I can't sit here and act like my financial situation is okay when it's not. Time is running out. Literally. I don't understand how a school has no other options for students without money, bad credit and no other help coming in but the front door. It just blows my mind. I'm being robbed all this money and no one can help me? What the fuck is that? I'm crying just thinking about me going back home. I really don't want to leave but it's either my mother pay out of her pocket and have no place to live or me going back home to either transfer or just take off a semester and try again in the spring. This is extremely depressing. I'm even starting to doubt myself and lose my way. I've put my faith in God for this long and look where it's got me. But then again, everything happens for a reason. So if it's meant to be for me to come home then I'm sure God has a purpose for it. Gone.

everybody likes homeboy. like everybody! including a lot of my friends. i don't really care cause i'm kinda over it... but then i see him and i'm back to thinking about him for the rest of the day/night. that's embarrassing. he's a good guy. he really is but i don't wanna be like every girl here that's all over him and sweating him and shit. and he be playing me anyway! he don't never say hi when he see me and i damn sure ain't saying hi first. fuck allat. ion't need it. we can be friends.. or we could just continue to act like we didn't text each other all summer and act like we don't know each other at all.. that's cool too. whatever. i wasn't even thinking about him until i was telling my friend about how i drunk text him friday night by accident.. gone.

Friday night was amazinggggggg! I drank and drank and drank and drank! And I smoked for the first time- that was cool. I was with some friends and we just had the best time! No party needed. No guys needed. Just a bunch of girls drinking, smoking, cracking jokes, laughing and dancing. I gotta do it  again next weekend and I'm gonna bring my best friend/roommate with me!

on my bs.

I need a job.

college student rambling.

I'm at school now. I never felt so alone. I want to go home immediately but I can't because as long as I have this opportunity, I have to take it or I'll lose it and it'll never come back. Making friends is extremely hard for me so I don't even try to make friends anymore. My money situation is stressing me out; I don't even know if I'll be here after September is over. I miss my family so much. I used to see them all everyday, and now I barely even talk to them. I've just been so busy. I'm a biology major.. tough shit. But I'm gonna try really hard to stick with it because I dream of one day being a PT for dancers and gymnast. But if not, I can always fall back on sociology. I love that damn class and I'm really good in it.

Erykah Badu

I've never admired anyone like this before- especially not someone famous. Everything she is, everything she stands for, everything she gives to others like myself. Although I don't know Erykah personally, I feel like she's known me since I was little. She's inspired me to open up my mind beyond my wildest dreams! I love this woman so much! If I were to meet her, I'd probably cry my eyes out then pee my pants! >_<

Learning about myself and others.

I've learned that I can't control what people do. If I don't like what they're doing or saying or how they're handling a situation, all I can do is state my opinion if absolutely needed and move on from the situation and maybe even the person. The way I see things can be completely different compared to someone I call my best friend. I learned that the obstacles I go through in my life and the lesson I've learned from them have nothing to do with others I associate myself with. I learned that my anger problem can be almost deadly at times. I learned that as I grew/grow up, I'll grow out of some friendships...even if I don't want to. Trying to hold onto an old childhood friend that doesn't want to be held on to is pointless and I won't waste my time anymore..

Open thoughts

Open letter: Update.

I haven't been up here in a while. I'm back on tumblr and I regret it. I'm okay. My senior year is almost coming to an end and I couldn't be happier. Some of my friendships have taken a turn for the worst. I don't mind it though. Lately I've been slackin as far as school work goes. I got a month left and the laziness will be the death of me. My attitude has gotten bad too. I was working on it before and it was getting better- it really was!.. But I'm back to where I used to be and worse because I catch myself being disrespectful to adults and I've never done that before. My mouth is more foul than ever before; I cuss like a sailor..LITERALLY. I'm working on it though. I got accepted into Delaware State and I'll be attending there with one of my best friends in the fall. I'm excited but I'm nervous. I'm still forever alone. No one who's interested in me, no one who I'm interested in... atleast I don't think... Lately I've been doing this thing where I don't complain about anything- my sister told me that's not a good idea because instead of speaking out on what I don't like, I hold it all in.. which leads to my attitude.. I think that's all for my update. I'll be around..

Opening diary: Ranting.

I'm tired of people saying and doing what they want and thinking I'm not gonna say anything about it. I'm tired of holding my breath for the sake of hurting someone's feelings. Fuck that. From now on, if anybody say something slick to me I'm coming at them with no cookie cutter shit- straight disrespect.

A month ago =]

Losing someone.

Losing someone is never easy. My uncle called early this morning with the news that his wife had died in her sleep. I hate to see anyone in my family hurt, especially my uncle. He's been through so much and he loved her with all of his heart. She was the sweetest woman I can remember my uncle ever bringing home. I was suppose to go down there for April vacation to spend the week with them. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I'm depressed. But I'm here to be strong for my uncle and the rest of my family and her family. This is a terrible way to start a weekend. I haven't been to church in a while and I know it's terrible to only go when things are going really good or really bad, but I need some guidance. I can't keep losing people like this. It's taking it's toll on me. It's really time for me to get my life together and cherish everything and everyone in it more. My family is strong. We'll be fine.. I'm sure of it.. I hope.. I need them to be.. for me..

My Other Websites..

iamazia.tumblr.com

twitter.com/whaddupaziaa

youtube.com/user/IamAzia

Seriously. I love Mr. Omar